Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Cinema Sweetheart's Rating: 2 out of 10

Director: Jack Perez

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao, Shawn Lawlor

Rated: R

Genre: Horror, Sci-Fi

Runtime: 85 minutes

Thanks to human folly and global warming, the polar icecaps begin to melt and release two of the most horrifying creatures the world has ever known: Mega Shark and Giant Octopus!  Free from their frozen prison once more, they strike terror into the seas in their devastating attempt to find one another and finish the death match that started many centuries before.

I picked up this film expecting a funny, campy horror flick with lots of fighting, giant monsters, and cool CGI special effects.  Instead, I got a shitty film that broke every rule of screenwriting and acting, with sub par CGI effects reused scene after scene.  In fact, if I may be so bold, I would even go so far as to say that this is the worst movie I've ever seen.

But, a movie this bad has to really be savored.  It takes real effort to be this bad.  So, let's just take it one aspect at a time...First, the script.  The writing for this film was just dreadful.  Besides including so many painful cliches and "classic" stereotypes such as the customary agents in black suits, this film also included drinking alcohol from paper bags, the overly-violent American military stereotype, and of course, the cheesy mentor figure and the customary romance where everything just matches up so perfectly.  It's like these characters were written for each other!  Oh yeah...

I also loved the fact that everyone felt the need to remind everyone that the foreign characters were foreign.  From wonderful lines like "a Kewpie doll for the Irishman" (as if we couldn't figure out he was Irish from the HORRIBLE accent that was sometimes Irish, sometimes American, and sometimes boarderline Scottish), or when the Japanese scientist references "my Japanese government..."  Wow!  I had no idea you were Japanese!   And even if the audience wasn't sure, why would he refer to it like that?  Everyone he is talking to knows that he is Japanese.

I'm including the link to IMDb's collection of quotes from this movie.  They are golden.  Just for shits and giggles, you can check them out here.

Even though the writing sucked, the plot had some potential.  But, no....the script mostly focused on the three main characters: a "washed up" oceanographer, her salty Irish professor/mentor, and her Japanese scientist love interest.  There was almost nothing at all about the shark and octopus...the reason that just about everyone picked up this film in the first place.  I can tell you it wasn't for the romance or the bad accents.  It was for the title characters!

But, I digress....on to acting.  The acting was just dreadful.  Do I need say anything more?  I didn't believe these characters.  At their best they were laughable.  At their worst, they were annoying.  The Irishman's accent faded in and out between scenes, and I think only one member of the Japanese submarine crew spoke with even the slightest hint of an accent....and it certainly wasn't the main character.  The whole thing was just ridiculous.

If you're looking for a movie that is so bad it's good....then this is not that film.  This is just bad.  Really bad.  And you might get a couple good laughs out of it, but it's certainly not worth spending any real money on.  The acting sucks, the special effects are terrible, and the script is in the toilet.  Now, normally, I have a select audience to recommend these films to.  Right now, I'm not sure who would want to see this film.  I guess if you like really bad movies, then this is a good one.  Or, if you're a film professor or film student, you might like this....as a sort of "what not to do" cautionary tale.  As an amateur screenwriter myself, I think this really helped me.  It was kinda fun being able to say "Oh....so THAT'S why I'm not supposed to do that!"

Taken (2008)

Cinema Sweetheart's Rating: 9 out of 10

Director: Pierre Morel

Starring: Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen

Rated: PG-13

Genre: Action, Crime, Thriller

Runtime: 93 minutes

Bryan Mills (Neeson) only wants to have a real relationship with his daughter Kim (Grace) again.  But, being a retired CIA agent really makes things difficult for their relationship; he was never there for her as a child, and now, his background makes him constantly paranoid. So, when she asks for his permission to go to France with her friend Amanda (Katie Cassidy), Bryan is naturally cautious.  Both Kim and Bryan's ex-wife Lenore (Janssen) are quick to reassure him, and he allows her to go with some strict conditions.  But, upon his daughter's arrival in France, Bryan's worst fears are realized.  A panicked Kim calls him, telling him that she and her friend are in the process of being kidnapped.  When one of the kidnappers picks up the phone, Bryan tells vows that he will find and kill him if he does not release Kim.  With the kidnapper's final taunting words "Good luck," Bryan sets out to save his daughter, no matter who or what stands in his way.

If there was one thing that this movie really struck home for me, it was to listen to your parents.  They know what they are talking about.  Even when they're cramping your style or taking your fun away.  Oftentimes, they do it because they are speaking from experience, and don't want to have something happen to you.  When you don't listen, things can happen.  I had one of those moments not that long ago, and while I won't go into details, I can safely say two things: 1.) It did not involve the Albanian sex trade in France and 2.) My dad was absolutely right, and I should have listened to him.  So, as I was watching Taken, my dad was constantly on my mind.

This really was a great film.  It had everything one would want in an action thriller: there was suspense, awesome fight scenes, not a lot of blood and gore, and a really epic storyline.  I watched this one with my brother, and we were on the edges of our seats from start to finish.  It was GREAT!  And besides just an awesome plot, the audience was presented with a main character we could all love and connect with.  Most of these action films have characters you can't fully understand because they're too hardened, too tough, or too cool.  Bryan was tough, but he also had a softer side which made him easier to understand.  In many ways, he reminded me of my own dad, and personally, that made him even easier to understand.  Liam Neeson played a wonderful father figure, and I loved the thought that even though he was a kick-ass CIA retiree, he was still a sweet, caring, gentle father.

I think what also made this movie so intense for me was that the sex trade is alive in Europe (and all over the world).  Sex trafficking is far scarier than monsters because it's really happening.  And as a woman, it's something that I hear about quite a bit.  Not saying that every time I leave the house, I'm afraid of getting roped into the sex trade, but it is something that you think about from time to time.  And since I've done some research about it for classes and such, I was able to nod my head and say "Yep, that's a huge red flag. Kim, don't listen to him!"

I think another thing I really loved about this film was that it handled its topic in a tasteful manner.  True, it was an action film, and there was a lot of violence.  But, the violence was handled in such a way as to make it bearable.  It wasn't overly violent.  There was not an overabundance of gore.  We got the point without having it shoved down our throats.  Also, this film IS about the sex trade, but I didn't feel that they over-sexualized any of the prostitutes.  I don't think I saw a single exposed breast.  Instead of taking advantage of the topic to make a sexual movie about sex, they kept it in its proper place.  The sex trade was not made glamorous; it was made disgusting.  And I think that was something that must have been difficult to do; it would have been easy to make it overtly sexual.

All in all, an amazing movie.  Liam Neeson was amazing, his co-stars were amazing, and the plot felt real and convincing.  Sure, there were some blips, but for the most part, I was convinced.  If you're a fan of action thrillers, international intrigue, epic fight scenes, or are a father who would anything to help your child in a time of distress (or perhaps the daughter who knows that her father would do anything for her), then you would love this film.  I know I did!

And I know this is not something I'd make a habit of doing on this blog, and I know he might not read this, but I just want to say THANK YOU to my dad....Thank you for being MY hero.

Update

Hello, Movie Maniacs, Film Fanatics, and my Cinema Sweeties!

This is just a quick update to let you all know that I'm still alive and writing.  The reason for my lack of posts was the fact that I fell into the dreaded end of the school year arena, and just made it out.  That being said, I didn't really have a lot of time to watch movies, and even less time to review them.  But, that's the end of the bad news.  Now comes the good news!  With my summer free to watch movies and review them again, I'll have plenty of films for you!  I'm watching a movie a night, but I'm not sure if all of them will make it to the review process.  But, even so, there are going to be plenty of reviews shuffling their way into the que.  I'll still be posting them on Thursdays only, though, so that means that I'll still have plenty of reviews built up to go well into the school year.  No time to review movies?  No problem; I've already got plenty of reviews :)  See?  It's going to be great!  That being said, I have just finished my review for the 2008 film Taken, which you can find here this coming Thursday.  I also have reviews in the works for Tommy Boy, The Shining, and Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus, so be sure to look for those in the coming weeks :)

I look forward to seeing all of you again on Thursday!  I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but it's good to be back! :)

The Hobbit Trailer 2012

I am DYING to see this film!  December cannot come quickly enough!

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Cinema Sweetheart's Rating: 9.5 out of 10

Director: Drew Goddard

Starring: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Fran Kranz

Rated: R

Genre: Horror, Thriller

Runtime: 95 minutes

Five friends decide to spend the weekend at a cousin's cabin, but find far more than they bargained for when they discover they are all a part of a perverse and twisted ritual of death.  Before even a single night has passed, the group finds themselves spiraling into horror after horror as they try to uncover the secrets of their torment.

Now, I love horror films.  Not slasher films; horror films.  I can't stand the blood and the gore, but I LOVE to be scared.  Suspense is delightful; I just eat it up.  And this was a great film just for that reason.  While there was most definitely blood...and lots of it, there was such a perfect counterbalance of suspense and just plain freak-you-out horror that I almost didn't mind.  And that's really a first for me to say.

What I loved about this film was just how creative it was.  This is not your average bloody slasher film, or just scare-the-living-daylights out of someone horror flick; it was cleverly written out, cleverly acted, and even fairly amusing.  Perhaps the best part was just how metafictional it was.  This is not just a horror film: it is a horror film about horror films!  This is a horror film that gives the others purpose and meaning, and elevates them to something more than just blood, sex, and violence.  Sure, this film still has all those things, but it has a bit more that really gives it that "spark," and sets it aside from your average, run-of-the-mill zombie flick.

And of course, besides just a tantalizing plot, the characters themselves were wonderful.  Or, at least as wonderful as stock characters can possibly get.  The one that really stood out for me was the total pot-head, Marty (Kranz).  There's always something really funny about those kind of characters in the movies.

Sadly, there is not much more that I can say without giving away too much information.  So, that being said, I can only leave you with a strong suggestion that you check out this film.  It was honestly one of the best horror films I've seen in a long time.  If you enjoy horror films, zombies, ancient curses, or metafiction, then this film is a must-see for you :)

The Green Hornet (2011)

Cinema Sweetheart's Rating: 6 out of 10
Director: Michel Gondry
Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action, Comedy, Crime
Run Time: 119 minutes

When Los Angeles playboy Britt Reid (Rogen), learns about the death of his father, he decides to react with a little friendly vandalism, by beheading his deceased parent’s newly dedicated memorial statue. While on this little misadventure with his estate’s mechanic Kato (Chou), the two witness and stop a mugging in progress, and Reid, hyped on adrenaline and alcohol, decides that he and Kato should become super heroes—but pose as villains in order to blend into the L.A. underworld. And so, after a series of inventions, tricked-out cars, and cool costumes, the vigilante Green Hornet is born. Unfortunately, things are not all sunshine and rainbows, as the Green Hornet’s activities catch the attention of supreme crime lord Chudnofsky, who will stop at nothing to keep this new name in crime from threatening his empire.

Now, I’m really a fan of superheroes, but before this movie, I didn’t know anything about the Green Hornet. Because of this, I’m really unable to connect this to the original series. I guess that means that my opinion of this film was fairly unbiased, at least on that front. My brother and dad, however, were fans of the show, and provided some interesting commentary in comparing the two pieces. For example, their biggest complaint stemmed from the personality of Britt, which they claimed was not very true to the original series.

Seth Rogen was distastefully crude. While in small amounts, sexual innuendo and swearing can be pretty funny, Rogen pushed it to a limit where it was no longer amusing. Instead of assisting the plot or furthering character development, it only made me wish that Britt would just shut the hell up. According to my dad and brother, Britt Reid is supposed to be a professional, collected character, something like a Bruce Wayne. While I would have been fine with a sort of goofy rich boy, I really feel that Rogen pushed it too far. And sadly, one can’t even say that Rogen was just working with what he was given, since he was the actually one of the screenwriters as well. This character is purely Rogen's creation, and I just didn’t like it. However, while there were too many times when you kind of just want to slap Britt, the character wasn’t ALL bad. In fact, there were times when he was actually really funny. But, these times become rarer and rarer as the film progresses.

Jay Chou, in contrast, played a very likeable character. While Britt Reid was something of a dunce, unable to do anything on his own, always cracking dirty jokes, and pretty much a vaguely likable foul-mouthed flop, Kato was talented, smart, and sweet. And he just had the coolest moves! In my humble opinion, one of the best parts of the film had to be watching Kato kick the tar out of the bad guys. No matter how many times I saw that, it was still cool!

Despite all this, Christoph Waltz stole the show. His someone limited role as the film’s villain was perfect in almost every regard. As this was an action comedy, there is a certain amount of humor to be leant to the role, and Waltz was undeniably perfect for the part. Chudnofsky is not a nice guy; he’s the incredibly unpredictable leader of crime empire in Los Angles, however, he’s incredibly funny. He asks for advice on how to be scary; he’s genuinely hurt when someone tells him his ideas are stupid. And then he says and does stupid things without realizing how it looks. He’s the perfect villain: threatening to the hero and funny for the audience; what more could a moviegoer ask for in an action comedy film? I think what I liked the best about this character had to be the unpredictability. After all, where’s the fun in a villain whose next move is always easy to guess? There is a certain tension that builds from this sort of character, especially when you never quite know what he’s thinking or what he’s going to do. Is he serious? Is he joking? Guess it’s time to thank your lucky stars that you’re not Britt Reid, and YOU don’t have to deal with him.

All in all, The Green Hornet was a decent movie. Not bad, but not great either. Just decent. Sometimes, that’s not a bad thing. Like when you’re just hanging out with people, or when you’re having a beer and movie night. It made for an interesting viewing session, but not something I would recommend or run out and buy on DVD. If you’re a fan of Seth Rogen and his sophomoric humor, then you might like this film. Christoph Waltz fans might enjoy his performance as well. For me personally, he was the highlight of the film.

Update

I'm going to attempt to resurrect this blog one more time.  If I'm able to do it, expect an update on Thursday as always.  If not, I'm sorry; I just couldn't make it work.

~CS